This is How I Disappear
by Bobbiebobbob
Summary: Sam Uley is just a normal seventeen year old boy who goes to school, is in love with his girlfriend and happens to be over six feet tall. But all of that changes as something happens in La Push that hasn't happened in over one hundred years.
1. Changing

_This is How I Disappear_

_- My Chemical Romance_

_To un-explain the unforgivable,  
By streetlight this dark night,  
There're things that I have done,  
You never should ever know _

_And without you is how I disappear,  
And live my life alone forever now.  
And without you is how I disappear,  
And live my life alone forever now._

_And if you could talk to me,  
Tell me if it's so, Can you hear me cry out to you?  
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.  
I'm really not so with you anymore.  
I'm just a ghost,  
So I can't hurt you anymore,  
So I can't hurt you anymore._

_I'm so far away from you._

**Changing**

"Sam!"

I heard her before I saw her and as I was turning, I was already smiling. Leah Clearwater was waving at me from the opposite end of the hall with a big grin on her face.

"I passed!" she squealed when I met her gaze. She waved her arms around, oblivious to the stares of the other students. "I passed Algebra!"

I laughed and caught her up in a tight hug. I ran my fingers through her long silky black hair. "Can't…breathe!" she gasped and I set her down, but kept hold of her hand.

"That's so great that you passed," I said.

"I know! My dad won't murder me after all!" I smiled vaguely. I liked Harry Clearwater very much (and liked his daughter even more), but he was a little too strict. Or maybe I was just used to being on my own.

"That's good," I teased. "So what are we going to do today?"

Her smile was instantly replaced by a frown and my hand tightened over hers. She bit down on her bottom lip. "Actually I have to work today."

"I'll give you a ride," I said quickly. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. I'd be graduating soon and we'd have limited time together then. I knew she felt the same way.

She beamed and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I love you," she said, her breath tickling my neck.

"I love you too," I replied, and I did. It didn't matter that she was three years younger than me. It didn't matter that we had only known each other for four months. Or that we came from totally different backgrounds. I was in love with Leah Clearwater and nothing would ever change that.


	2. Emotions

**Emotions**

When the bell ran I stalked out of my class, glaring at a junior who looked at me funny.

As I slammed my locker door shirt I had to admit that I really didn't know what my problem was. After lunch I had started to feel strange. Not sick or anything just…strange. Then in my last class the strangeness turned to anger. No, not to anger to _fury. _

"There you are!" Leah came up from behind me and slipped her hand in mine. She gasped and pulled it back quickly. "Your hand is really hot! It almost burned me." Her hand moved to my forehead. I watched as her expression grew worried. "You're burning up, Sam. Are you feeling okay?"

I just shrugged. I knew I wasn't getting sick. I was feeling angrier by the second though. "Let's just get out of here," I suggested and Leah followed, somewhat doubtfully.

We were at the parking lot when we heard the shout. "Hey Leah!" we both turned around at the same time. It was Simon Green, a guy in Leah's class.

"Simon!" Her beautiful face lit up. "Sorry, I almost forgot." She dropped her hand from mine and hurried over to him, handing him a jacket.

"I was cold and Simon let me borrow his jacket," she explained, somewhat defensively, to my raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, that's not a problem is it?" Simon asked, looking up at me with an arrogant smirk on his face.

It wasn't a problem. It _shouldn't_ have been a problem. Normally I didn't care about who made a fool of themselves for Leah. She was pretty, it was to be expected. And I knew she liked me best.

But this bothered me. It bothered me a lot.

It all happened much too quickly. Simon was saying, "Don't let the competition get to you, Sam," while I was trying to control the tremors of anger rolling through me.

As Leah said, "Shut up Simon." I was already in front of him, shoving him backwards.

The small push I had intended to give him didn't really turn out that way. The moment my hands made contact, Simon flew backwards over a car and hit the one next to it.

In the back of my mind I was horrified, but the anger was driving me forwards and I started towards him again once he staggered up.

"Sam! Sam stop!" Leah's hands were pulling fruitlessly at my shirt. "Stop this right now!" I turned and looked at her wild eyes.

"It doesn't matter," she said in a shaking voice. "Let's go…please?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. We got into my truck, Leah practically running, and drove away, leaving Simon staring open-mouthed after us.


	3. Hurt

**Hurt**

We sat in silence on the way to Leah's work. I could tell she was terrified by what had happened so I tried to control my temper and my hands, which were still shaking.

I stomped on the breaks when we pulled up to her work. I didn't say anything and stared out the window, refusing to make eye contact. "Sam," she whispered, reaching out to touch my arm.

I ripped my arm away and scooted closer to the door. "I don't want to talk about it," I snapped, surprising myself.

"Won't you tell me what's wrong?" she pleaded.

I turned to glare at her. "No."

"Sam…"

"Get out," I said angrily. "I want to be alone." Leah recoiled and her eyes filled with tears, but she nodded and got out of the truck. I peeled out of the parking lot without waiting to see if she made it inside or not.

Once I was alone it was easier to calm down. I thought about what I had said to Leah and felt horrible. I should go back and apologize. How could I do that to her? She was just looking out for me, trying to help.

I turned my truck around and was driving back to Leah when it hit. I bent, doubled over the steering wheel, gasping for breath. Maybe I _was_ getting sick.

I got out of my newly-washed truck and headed towards the side of the road. My whole 6'7" frame was trembling. I felt like my shape was changing and blurring around the edges.

I sprinted to the nearby forest, without a backwards look.


	4. Werewolf

**Werewolf**

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

I could hear people calling my name. I wondered if they were real. They might not be. I could no longer tell the difference between reality and my twisted imagination.

I retreated further into the woods. If they were real, nobody should see me like this. _I_ wasn't even sure of what I was. What I had become.

I was sure, however, that I had lost my mind two weeks ago. Two weeks…two weeks of wandering around in insanity. It seemed like much longer.

I didn't know what had happened. One minute it was me running for the trees and the next thing I knew there was a wolf in my place.

Not just any wolf – a huge wolf, almost as tall as a horse, with thick black fur. And fast. I had tried to outrun myself, but gave up on that idea quickly when I realized how even more unnatural I was.

I'll never forget the first time I saw my reflection in that muddy puddle. I was like a nightmare come to life…

I stopped running once I was far enough away from the calls. I put my head down on my paws and thought of Leah, as I had for most of these two long weeks. Was she worried sick or did she hate me by now? I could imagine her sitting by the phone all night waiting for my call. Which never came, which never _would_ come.

I closed my eyes, trying to think about something else. Compared to how I had felt the last fourteen days, today I felt calm. Or at least the panic was somewhat contained.

"_Sam! Sam Uley!"_

The voices inside my head were calling me again. They were getting close. I opened my eyes and received a shock when I took a step forward. I landed face-first in the leaves. There were no front legs to stop me.

I breathed in the scent of the mossy earth, hardly daring to believe. Was I back to normal?

My hands shook as I reached up to feel my face. No fur. I felt my teeth. They were human-sized, not the long razor-sharp fangs I had known.

I ran to a nearby puddle and looked at my reflection. It was Sam Uley staring back at me, not some monstrous animal. My face was pale and sick looking, but familiar.

I knew that I wasn't completely sane. This didn't change much. There was still the fact that I had spent the past two weeks running around as a wolf.

I wouldn't be able to tell anyone. I _couldn't_. Not if I wanted things to go back to the way they were.

I wondered, as I started towards town, if I could go back. Maybe I was too different. Too changed.


	5. Unforgiving

**Unforgiving**

I paused outside of the Clearwater's house. I had come here instinctively, but was it right? I didn't know how unstable I really was. I could easily hurt or kill Leah.

As I was deliberating the door opened and Leah stepped out. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were red. Her mouth was uncharacteristically pulled down into a frown.

She looked so miserable that I rushed over to comfort her, without even thinking of what the consequences might be.

She froze when she saw me. "S-Sam?" she stuttered, blinking rapidly.

"Leah." I put my arms around her, trying to hold in the sobs that were coming out of her. "Shh…shh," I said. It was the most comforting thing I could think of.

"They – they called… off the – the search," her voice was muffled by my arm. I sat her down on the porch because she could barely stand.

"It's really you?" she whispered, touching my face.

I hesitated before answering. "Yes," I said slowly, "Yes its me," As she kissed me I wondered if she would see through that lie.

Because I was different. I knew that now. I could never go back to the way things were. I could never go back to the old Sam.

"Where have you been?" she demanded, breaking my reverie.

I froze and she did too. "I – I can't tell you," I whispered.

Leah's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean you can't tell me? For two weeks I've been sitting here worried out of my mind. I thought you were dead or that you hated me!" Her voice rose hysterically.

"Leah," I murmured, taking hold of her hand. I looked down at our intertwined hands, the exact same color, as I spoke. "I will always love you, no matter what - what happens." My voice caught on the last part.

Leah looked frightened now. "Sam, what _happened_ to you?" I stared at her; her eyes were wide with worry, her forehead creased.

I wanted so badly to tell her. We never kept secrets from each other. But somehow I felt that this secret was way more than she or I could handle.

I was spared answering by the arrival of two cars barreling up the driveway. In the very front was a police car – Charlie Swan.

Charlie was out of his car first and went around to the other side to help Billy Black down into his wheelchair. Another car door slammed and I saw Harry Clearwater walk around to help.

The men stood in conference for a while, unable to see Leah or me. Their faces were grim and they shook their heads. I caught the phrase, "don't know how we're going to tell her."

As they began to walk towards the house Chief Swan lifted up his head. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared. _"Uley?" _

The other men's heads snapped up. I stood, uncertainly. I noticed that Harry looked furious.

"Where have you been? Do you have any idea what you've put us through? What you've done to your mother? To my daughter?"

Charlie frowned and put a hand on Harry's shoulder, but he shook it off.

"Dad, I'm right here," Leah said quietly and stood up from the shadows. She grasped my arm tightly.

"You get away from him Leah!" Harry said angrily, once he could see her.

"Dad! I wasn't Sam's fault. He – he got lost."

"Lost?" Billy's deep eyes searched mine and I felt uncomfortable.

"Yeah," I said slowly, dropping my gaze away from his. "I was going for a hike – went off the trail."

Harry's hands clenched into fists. "You know what I think?" he asked, his face less than a foot from my own. "I think you're a liar." He stepped to the side and grabbed Leah by the arm. "Get inside, Leah."

She didn't dare argue. As the door swung shut Harry turned to face me. I found that I was trembling – the tremors of fury rolling through me.

"Now you listen here," he said, his voice was low. I could tell he was aware, as I was, that his daughter was watching from the window. "I don't know what you've been up to these past two weeks. Been involved in drugs and who knows what else."

"Harry," said Charlie suddenly. "You don't know if he's been into trouble."

"I might not!" Harry said loudly. "But I do know that you're never going to come near my house or my daughter again."

There was a silence as I stared at the usually cheery man who was now glowering at me. Charlie was looking like he wanted to say something, but glancing apprehensively at Harry. Billy just sat silently, his eyes flicking between my face and Harry's.

"Do you understand?" Harry asked. "You stay away from her – you stay away from Leah. You're not good enough for her."

I nodded in agreement. The demons that were haunting me – possessing me, I couldn't bring them into Leah's world.

Charlie cleared his throat. "Come on Sam," he said. "I'll give you a ride home."

I nodded again and trailed behind him. Before I got into the car I turned my head slightly to look back at the house.

Leah still stood by the window. She wasn't crying. Her face was curiously blank, but when her eyes met mine they were livid with emotion.

I had to look away.


	6. Keeping her safe

I'm sorry I haven't updated for so long! I've been really busy with school and basketball, but now I'm starting to get in the schedule of things so hopefully I'll have a lot more to post!

**Keeping her safe**

_Ping…ping…ping_

I sat up from my bed, staring at my window. Along with the slight patter of rain was the sound of someone throwing small rocks against the glass.

For one wild moment I thought it might be Harry, coming to seek more revenge, but somehow I knew it would be Leah.

Abandoning all thoughts of staying away from her, I pulled on my jeans and headed outside. The moonlight reflected off the wet grass as I followed the well-worn path to the place I knew she'd be.

I had been right, Leah was waiting for me as she had so many other nights. Only this time it was different. I could feel the tension in the air.

"Couldn't you have put a shirt on?" she asked appraising my bare chest.  
"I didn't want to keep you waiting," I said softly.

Though the rain was only faintly falling on my skin, leaving drops of moisture, Leah's hair and clothes were completely damp. I wondered how long she had been outside.

"Where'd you get the bike?" I asked gesturing to the bright red motorcycle in the driveway.  
"Jacob Black," she said unsmiling. She didn't even glance at it.

"Ah." I shoved my hands in my pockets, waiting for her to speak. I didn't know how to tell her that I had to leave – had to stay away from her. It was impossible for me to be within fifty miles of her and ignore her.

"I couldn't sleep," she said.  
"Me either." I didn't remember the last time I had slept.

She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. My hand twitched. I longed to run my fingers through her hair, feel her lips on mine. But I couldn't. I was unsafe and insane. I was a monster.

"Sam," she began and I held up my hand to stop her. I took a deep breath.  
"Leah, I'm sorry."

"For what?" I felt like she was testing me and if I didn't get the right answer I'd lose everything.

"For disappearing these last two weeks, for what happened today and for what I'm going to do."

"What are you going to do, Sam?" her voice was steady, but in her eyes I could see a shred of panic.  
"I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" she said it like a bad word. "Where are you _leaving_ to?"  
"I'm not sure yet." A hospital, an asylum maybe? Somewhere where I couldn't run the risk of hurting her.

"You're doing this because of what my dad said, aren't you?"  
"No." After all, Harry did have a good reason.

"Then tell me why," she hissed, "you are running away."  
"I'm not running away. I can't stay here, Leah." My hands started to shake a little and it terrified me.

"Why not?" she demanded.  
I hesitated. "I – I can't tell you that."

Leah laughed scornfully. "Oh. I see. Another thing you can't tell me."

I stared at her. It felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest, threatening to suffocate me.

She was changed too. I didn't think my two-week disappearance would alter others – especially Leah. I assumed that she would bounce right back. But the loving and always cheerful Leah was now transformed into something bitter and sarcastic.

"So what should I use for your excuse this time? Getting lost will only work once, Sam."

"It's not like last time," I growled.

"Yes it is!" She had tears in her eyes now. "Only this time you're giving me warning."  
"Leah –"

"You promised to love me, no matter what happened. Were you lying then too?"

"I do love you. I always will, Leah. Nothing will stop me from loving you."  
"Why are you leaving me then?"

"Because I can't be near you!" I shouted in frustration.  
She started and looked up into my face.

"You can't be near me?" she asked slowly. "What are you talking about, Sam?"

"I'm not good enough for you," I said, repeating Harry's earlier words.

"That's not true," she said soothingly and reached out to touch my arm. Her expression changed minutely. "You're burning again." She stated it as a fact.

"It's not safe," I hissed, ignoring her, and stepping away.

"_What's_ not safe! Sam, I'm tired of guessing. What happened to you?"

Leah stood there, with nothing but concern and frustration showing on her face. I couldn't distinguish the rain from the tears, running down her cheeks. She wasn't going to give up and that infuriated me.

I leaned in towards her. My tone was mocking. "I got lost." I turned and headed for the forest instead of the house. As I reached the trees, I glanced back to confirm that Leah hadn't turned around or moved an inch.

As I ran, I felt my shape change.


	7. Accusations

**Accusations**

"Can you tell me what happened, Sam?"  
Though Charlie spoke softly, his voice filled the entire room, bouncing off the walls of the dingy police station.

"I got lost." My voice was emotionless and detatched. Something I'd been working on in the past week.

"Sam," Charlie said impatiently. "You don't need to keep sayin that. If you're being threatened or got into trouble with some people -"

"It's not like that. I was hiking, right off the highway, and took a wrong turn."

Charlie's face looked disbelieving, but he sighed and nodded, seeming to give up on getting information out of me. There was a long pause. I could hear the dripping of the faucet in the other room.

"Your mother said you disappeared again last week. That you leave almost every night." Charlie was trying to sound uninterested, but I could hear the burning curiousity in his voice.

I chose not to answer. Leah was right. You could only use getting lost once.

"If you're having trouble with anything you can always talk to me or Harry, or Billy. They are worried about you too."

I snorted. Harry.

"I know it must be hard with your dad gone now -" Charlie continued, but I stood up.

My dad was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Just thinking about him made my hands shake in anger.

"Listen Sam," Charlie leaned forward, nothing but concern in his eyes. "Your mother had a hard time when he left, but she got through it. And you've gotta get over it too. She needs you Sam."

I swallowed, the guilt building up inside me. It seemed I was always full of guilt and self-hatred these days. "Thank you Charlie," I said reaching for the door.

"No problem kid. Don't fall in with the wrong crowd."

I pressed my lips together and nodded at his cheesy comment. When I was safely in my truck on the way back to LaPush I let the anger take hold of me.

The whole town now believed I was no good. That I had gotten into drugs or messed up by some guys. I knew this. I could see it in the way people avoided me and kept their eyes on the ground as I walked past. Everyone was afraid of me.

Well everyone except for Charlie and Leah, I thought bitterly. Ever since that night I couldn't stand to think about, Leah took every chance she got to try to talk to me. Not that she got many chances between me and Harry.

Harry had forbidden her to have any contact with me and I avoided her as much as possible. It was too dangerous for me to be close to her.

And as much as it killed me to do it, I had to pretend I was indifferent and hurt her time and time again. I would never forgive myself.

When I pulled into my driveway I noticed an unfamiliar silver truck in it. Great, I thought, slamming my door harder than necessary. Another one of my mother's admirers.

She was pretty and now single so we usually had at least one forty-year old man over for dinner a week. I was sick of it.

"Sam!" My mother simpered as soon as I walked in.

"Hey Mom," I said trying to duck around her.

"Look who's here to see us!"

I looked. It was Quil Ateara, senior. A very important man on the council, or so I was told by Leah. I wondered why he was here.

"Sam," he said gravely. His voice still had a ring of authority in it even at his old age. He shuffled forward holding out his hand.

"Hello Mr. Ateara," I said reaching out and grasping his fingers. It all happened very quickly.

The moment he felt my skin a look of shock crossed his face and his hand moved to my forehead so quickly it was blurred.

After a while he silently dropped his hand and went to sit back down, his eyes averted.

I glanced questionly at my mother who just shrugged and went to sit across from him.

As I left the room my eyes met his and I saw then that he was terrified.


End file.
